family, Inspiration, Uncategorized

The Working Title Is…Requiem for A Trusted Friend

Goodbyes are never easy. 

Shakespeare famously captured that pain when Juliet proclaimed, “Parting is such sweet sorrow.”  Yet, her goodbye was “sweet” as it was balanced by her confidence that she would soon again be in the company of her forbidden love, Romeo.

When you know for a fact, however, that a specific moment in time will mark your final goodbye, the hurt hits immeasurably deeper.

Such was my experience yesterday afternoon.

With staff quietly milling about and the hum of a flickering florescent light overhead, I said my last goodbye.  Doubtful anyone in the room knew the impact this loss would have on my life, I said a prayer of gratitude for my trusted friend who has guided me for decades. First, when I was a young wife and mother and then as an aide for my adult children as they left the warmth and safety of my nest.  It was a rare relationship that seemingly offered me everything…exactly when and where I needed it…be it in bed, bath or beyond.

Yes, I am speaking longingly about the American big box retail chain Bed, Bath & Beyond, and I am devastated over their closure.

Thinking back to the days when my glove compartment could barely close because of the stockpile of 20% coupons I had jammed in there that came in the mail or cut out of newspaper ads.  The joy I would feel when the holy grail of coupons…20% off entire purchase…made its way into my hands, or the altruistic buoyancy my heart would feel when I would hand an extra coupon to the person behind me because I had 12 with me but was only purchasing 11 items.  (Ok, fine, I would only share expired coupons, but it was no big deal because the cashier always accepted them.  Could that have been the beginning of their end from an earnings perspective?)

The store opened my eyes to the good life in their bedding department.  Thread count meant nothing to me until their linen section had pillowcase samples out to touch, so words like percale, Supima and Egyptian cotton became part of my vocabulary.  My couch potato game hit new heights (or lows) when BB&B tempted me to get the UGG faux fur throw blanket.  You could test drive pillows, albeit through a plastic bag, and you were introduced to more warmth level and fill options of down comforters than you ever thought possible.

Not to mention the one day, a random endcap display introduces you to a luxury pillowtop mattress pad and you’re left thinking, “Where have you been all my life?”

And my gosh, the bath section?  Bath sheet, bath towel, guest towel, hand towel, washcloth, shower curtain…so many colors it would make your head spin. Need a toothbrush holder?  Better get the matching soap dish, tissue holder, waste basket and shower caddy.  You’ve got enough coupons…just go for it!

But it’s the beyond part of Bed, Bath & Beyond that always sucked me in.  From little things like corn cob holders shaped like tiny corn cobs to Tupperware of every size and shape, potato peelers and salad spinners, heart-shaped cookie sheets and star-shaped melon ballers.  You introduced us to healthy smoothies with the Magic Bullet commercial running alongside your display.  How could we say no? Got my Keurig from you, pancake griddle, George Foreman grill, Shark sweeper, cleaning supplies, shoe caddies, Sonicare toothbrush, picture frames, beach chairs, tablecloths, greeting cards and every single “As Seen On TV” product.  I purchased a digital scale there that I’ve never stepped on and Santa once gave Maddie the SodaStream make-your-own soda machine whose allure lasted almost 24 hours. Where am I to turn in a pinch now when I need a giant tub of cheese balls, napkin rings and silver polish?

BB&B was there for me with boxes of 12 reasonably priced wine glasses in those early years when dinner parties with friends went way past dinner hour and were met with a chorus of “nice pour” followed by the inevitable sound of breaking glass.  And you were there for me when I sent my children off to college.  Who the hell else would know that there was such a thing as XL Twin Sheet sets but you?  And when I said goodbye to those darling girls, I knew they wouldn’t be alone because you’d be there for at least the next week… in a BB&B pop-up tent right there on campus.  So, I could sleep well knowing that if they had a pressing need for a box of 50 more premium velvet hangers, you had their back.

Two weeks ago, I helped Clare move into her first solo apartment.  I visited your Clybourn Ave location in Chicago, and the shelves were almost bare. Nothing on my shopping list was left in stock.  So, I went to Target and stopped a red polo-wearing team member near the bedding department. “Excuse me, do you carry a dust ruffle?”  Blank stare. “Ummm, you know, a bed skirt?”  Eyebrows furrow.  “It’s the linen thing that you put between the box spring and the mattress, so you don’t see the bed frame?”  As she responded with a slow, drawn out, multi-syllabic, “Noooooo,” I felt a single teardrop fall.  I miss you already, dear friend.

As your neon sign dims forever, please know you made my world a better, one-stop-shopping-always-20%-off place.   May you rest in peace while I sit and Google, “dust ruffles near me.”

kmp xo

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Uncategorized

The Working Title Is…There Ought to be a Word for That

I have long known that happiness and sadness are not mutually exclusive emotions. And it’s no mystery to anyone who knows me that I tend to experience emotion on a plane that is both guttural and transparent.

I remember, as a child, my Grandma Hogan comforted me by holding my pink, splotchy, tear-stained face in her hands saying, “The Irish feel things deeply…in a way others just can’t understand.”

I’m not sure how directly my emotions are tied to “the old sod,” but I do know that there is an undeniable depth to my feelings. I’ve experienced happiness and joy where my heart beats so loudly I can hear it in my head and feel as though it has expanded in my chest cavity to the point it will likely explode.

I have felt sadness so profoundly that my chest physically hurt. The weight of anguish made it difficult to even breathe, and when I finally surrendered enough to exhale, I was certain that I lost something of myself in that breath.

I have felt the anxiety only parents know when watching their child compete or perform. With bated breath, it seems as if your heart pauses mid-beat, only to resume once the child’s task is complete and pride replaces the post once held by anxiousness.

And then there are those occasions where I have felt completely happy and completely sad simultaneously; not half and half, but if there existed a gauge to measure emotion, it would read 100% happy and 100% sad.

I just don’t know how to describe that conflux of emotion in a single word.

I remember feeling it for the first time the day my Grandma Hogan’s cat died, the same day she held my face in her hands.

We didn’t have a pet of our own yet, and I wanted nothing more than an animal to love that would love me back. That’s why I hated that damn cat with every fiber of my being. I’d chase it around my grandma’s house yelling, “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.” But it ran from me every time, and on the rare occasion I did catch her, she’d hiss and scratch at me until blood gushed from my single-digit aged skin.

Damn you, Beauty, for forcing me to pretend it didn’t hurt, and forever proving that emotional scars heal far slower than physical ones.

I’m not going to lie. I was thrilled that cat was dead, until, that is, we walked into Grandma’s kitchen and saw her crying. I never saw my grandma cry before. This tiny woman looked even tinier sobbing in her rocking chair. Without that damn cat to compete for rocker space, I crawled on to Grandma’s lap and cried and cried and cried. I was completely happy and completely sad.

That duality has returned many times over the years, most recently, last month with a Marquette University basketball game as the backdrop.  The happiness meter was off the charts. My daughters and their friends, our friends from college and beyond college and their children and their friends all surrounded me.

I was so happy, and yet, the notable absence of those loved ones who can only be present in spirit and in memory left me so, so very sad.

There ought to be a word for that blend of emotion, but I couldn’t come up with one.

And, then, perhaps not so ironically, Death entered my mind.

Death, the narrator of Markus Zusak’s remarkable novel The Book Thief, is a surprisingly likable and humorous character. He speaks of first seeing the colors associated with his difficult work, and then he sees the faces.

Perhaps my emotion could be articulated through color? For me, 100% happy is a spectacular fuchsia, and my 100% sad would be a gunmetal blue-grey.  So it would stand to reason that this dichotomous emotion I experience would be a welcoming, soothing, peaceful color in the deep purplish end of the color chart.

A feeling only attainable when the brilliance of blessings—cherished, now mourned, from the past, savored and protected in the present, and dreamt of and hoped for the future—blend into one.

Benjamin Moore Paint color 2116-30 is named Cabernet.  Sounds good to me.

kmp

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